The Essence of Life… What is it?
It seems that the magic is working. From that one view from my own laptop two months ago, things have inexplicably grown without the benefit of a social circle from my offline life to help it grow. Last month I had 995 views on my Wordpress blog. This month I have as many and we´re only halfway through. More importantly, I am enjoying every single moment of it. But all of a sudden, this.
I am doubting. Not whether I can make it or not, because I see it more as a journey than as anything else. So, no matter the end result, as long as it is a journey of growth it is worth it, it is a success. I am learning. I am stretching my comfort zone. I have met new people, some of whom I would consider as friends. I have successfully tried things which I have always wanted to do but was “afraid” of trying, afraid of failing. So it is great. It is already a success, sort of, or depending on your definition of it. For me it feels successful, even though it would feel somewhat incomplete if I had to stop now.
What I am doubting however is: “is this the best use of my time?”
Being a stay-at-home dad to 2 preschoolers is very demanding, both on my personal life as well as on my relationship with God, my wife and friends. So, this is the main doubt. Is this a good use of my time? Should I focus on something else instead?
Writing this has made things a little clearer for me. I do enjoy blogging about Football Manager, I really do. And it really is about that and not about anything else. But what is the fruit of that? Just my pleasure? Is it doing something for anyone else? Should I blog on more “important” things instead? Like what I started out to do on Medium, but which I am not doing as much because blogging about Football Manager is taking more time? I don´t know.
Meditation, praying, call it what you want would perhaps give me a clearer answer. It often did in the past. But this time I plan on trying something else as well to find the answer. It may come at a cost - at the cost of the limited supplies of time and energy, but it may well be worth it in the end. I will try to find the answer through doing. Through trying to continue writing for both blogs, to continue with my life and then see what feels like making the most sense. Through interaction with you, my readers, through your comments and feedback, the answer might be clearer. After all, one of the main reasons behind this doubting is the fact that I want my time, my energy, my actions to add value to the lives of others, to help others, and not just myself. So what am I going to do?
I will continue swimming in this ocean and see where the currents take me and what they show me. I plan on letting you know my answer, probably not anytime soon though. Meanwhile, if you have some thoughts on this, I would love to know them.
Thank you.
Manrico
